Dear Nineteen-Years-Old-Me...

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I am nineteen, it is winter. I have the toughest time in my life, I am really depressed. It is the darkest place of the Universe, and it is inside my head. I don't see any light, any future. I know that I will live and die as nobody, and it will be a horribly long and pointless life.
I do not have any dreams. I wish I had one, but I cannot create any.
It's been a long time since I am like that. Do not want anything for months. Any thing.

And once, a friend shows me some pictures of Ireland. "What a beautiful country, - she says. - I wish I would see it one day". "I wish too, - I am answering. - But, unfortunately, not all dreams come true".
But that's it. There are just pictures, but it is the first step. I am admitting that I have a wish. And it is enough to rise up again.
It's like a sudden green sprout in the middle of desert. It's like a first drop of sunlight after Polar night.
I am becoming excited, I am watching movies about Ireland, listening Irish music, seeing Irish plays at the theatre... I recall how to dream again, how to have a reason to wake up in the morning.
Then it's vanishing within days and deals, but I'm already getting another dreams, another reasons, and just those saved pictures on my laptop remind me that I have to see the Emerald island one day...

I am twenty two. I am upset, because this EVS project in Norway just has slipped through my fingers. I am looking for other projects, but do not feel a "click". I am sending emails, but there are so many countries and I do not know which one to choose...
Suddenly, it's like I'm looking at the database at the first time and see "Ireland" on the list. The country of my dreams. The country of my inspiration. How could I apply for anything except you?
Months and months of applications, ups and downs, waitings, sleepless nights, and finally I receive an email from my future manager: "Pack your bags, you are going to Dublin!".
I feel that I am the happiest person in the world.

I am twenty three. I am in a country where are none of my friends ever were, not even friends of my friends. How much should a person want something to be able to move free in the world of bureaucracy and visas?
I am happy with my organisation. We are helping old people. I am doing something good and I am enjoying it for 100%.
I am happy with Irish elderly - the friendliest people ever!
I am happy with my kind and funny manager, who was a long-term volunteer years ago and who truly understands how it feels.
I adore my EVS "sisters" with whom I am sharing my apartment and my work, my food and my clothes, my jokes and my tears.
It is a bus stop. I am surrounded by other EVS volunteers from Ireland and going to have my first EVS training.
He is crossing my way and with a beautiful and open smile asks: "Hi, are you from Russia?" I am flattered, we shake hands. He is from Italy and he is sitting nearby on the bus. I am looking in the window and let everything become green as Emerald fields.

I am twenty four. Saying my last goodbyes. My EVS sisters here, at the airport - they both are staying in Dublin.
I have so many feelings inside, and there is no space for all of them.
It is sad to leave such a wonderful, friendly and magical country. But I had opportunity to discover all of it, and this makes me happy.
It is sad to leave my best friends, my lovely sisters, who shared too many things with me, including my heart. And I have to let them have it. But I do have sisters now, and it makes me feel grateful.
It is sad, and I am crying. The lady at the security desk is asking me "Are you leaving someone special?", and I'm just nodding.
I wanted to live in Ireland, and thanks to EVS I did it - I have been living there for the whole year. Many things happened, many people were met, and I am taking these with me - in my memory, in my dreams at night.
I have never wanted to live in Ireland for the rest of my life. You cannot live in a dream country, it should be only an incredible experience that supposes to change your life. And it changed my life, it changed me. I have to move on.
It's my last look at Ireland. And my last goodbye to Dublin. I will come back - I know. I am full of joy to live my life and I am ready to face the world. It does not scare me anymore. I will get everything that I want as I got my Ireland.

I am twenty five. My EVS mentor is writing me touching and funny emails. My EVS sisters are sending me silly, but lovely songs. The Italian guy - the one from the bus - is kissing me and asking what would I like for breakfast. And yes, we are living in Cambodia.
I did not expect that. But I am just starting my journey.
I went to Ireland to have an incredible year, but I got much more. All expectations faded compare to reality. Now I did many things, but I want to do more and more. I want to see all countries, to taste every cousine, to listen all music... I will write stories, I will draw the worlds, I will live and love and enjoy. I want to do things. A lot of things.
I still cannot believe that all that happened to me. And that it could NOT.
And I just want to say to all this poor frightened souls who lost their hopes and who are living in darkness; but first of all I want to say it to that little and scared Nineteen-Years-Old-Me, who thought that food is tasteless, people are soulless and life is hopeless - "My dear, my dear. Just listen and trust me. Dreams come true, my dear silly girl, all dreams soon or later come true. And YOUR dreams WILL".

Fifth Edition

5While closing the 4th edition of Scriptamanent, after the final meeting in Izmir, we are already preparing the new call for the next edition of the project. Stay tuned!

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